Perhaps

 


I can’t say I quite understand it. Interest in almost anything is lacking.  Writing is not doing well. Originality and spontaneity are missed, and I really don’t care about talking to other people like I once did.  The order of the day seems to be just to contemplate.  But, I feel really close to God,  and my life seems to be one long prayer or conversation with Him.  So it can’t be all bad, I suppose.

It's a different me.  Cancer, medications, limitations, and life being relegated to mostly medical issues have forged a different me.  With an unknown and/or limited future, it seems harder to get excited about anything, and perhaps I am more prepared than ever to go on to the next world.

 

There is less of the world and so much quiet time.  I wonder why and what exactly happened.   I wonder too if I have become so internally focused that my interest in other people and worldly issues has waned.  Can I be sure that that’s okay?

In the hospital with  many sleepless hours to pray and contemplate, I came to a certainty to put myself aside from all the “Hey, look at me” lifestyle I have been living and live my life total for
God, that is, lose my life in Him.  Of course, I wonder what He would have me do in that pursuit.  So far, I still don’t know.  Maybe I’m not supposed to do anything but stay close to Him right now.

 Perhaps I am not selfless enough yet to refrain from promoting myself rather than truly giving glory to God.  Perhaps God is just saying Wait, be patient.  Perhaps, He is shaping me for humble service down the road.  He’s in charge, and I watch, and wait, and pray.


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